Icky polygamist sect leader Warren Jeffs has got me thinking. According to a story on NPR’s This American Life, Jeffs’ preaching often waxed apocalyptic, establishing then bumping out the drop dead date for the end of time about every six months. The story further reported that members of Jeffs’ FLDS community took his message so seriously that they stopped making repairs on their homes—with the end of time looming, they figured, what was the point?
I’m not sure what I would start or stop doing if the last days loomed, but in FLDS spirit, I present what I think are the Top 10 Under-reported Implications of Living in an Apocalyptic Religious Sect:
- The doorknob hole in the drywall outside the youth group’s meeting room just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and nobody does a thing about it.
- Unprecedented surge in end-of-time giving.
- Annual church rummage sale shows spike in inventory (and radical price-slashing) of “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”-themed items.
- Church officer’s rendition of REM’s “The End of the World as We Know It” while rolling eyes at Newcomer’s Dinner warrants immediate excommunication.
- You can kiss those unreturned loaner casserole dishes good-bye.
- Nobody tops off the gas on the church van—ever.
- If the end is near, then those nursery babies really have something to cry about.
- On day 7,482, clever church-sign slogan boy abandons series of pithy apocalyptic zingers in favor of pop-art portrait of skate-boarding Yoda.
- Among mothers, popular “If you died tonight…” evangelism tagline merits new rejoinder, “…you wouldn’t want to be wearing that sloppy, wrinkled shirt.”
- Thinking that, at this point, there’s nothing to lose, controversial contemporary worship minister accompanies the passing of the peace with Cat Stevens’ “Peace Train“; future possible selections include “Love Train,” the theme from “Soul Train,” and Gladys Knight’s “Midnight Train to Georgia.”