Mean Girls

Dear Mom’s blog-o-buddies,

I’m 9 years old, and I have a problem. I have a friend who keeps telling me what other people think of me, and—let me tell you—it’s not good. My ‘friend’ told me that one of the girls in the neighborhood only likes to play with me because she likes my toys. And she said that another girl she knows just thinks I’m weird.

My dad says that the friend who keeps passing on bad news to me should keep her trap shut. My mom says that some girls are moody and kind of exclusive about who can be in their circle of friends and that makes them act unkindly to other people. My brother pretty much can’t stand any of my friends because once, one of them went into his room, stole his Rubik’s cube, and wrecked it.

What should I do?


Feeling more insecure by the moment

(Insecure, that is, not unlike my mom, who had her share of mean girl medicine back when she was a kid and still gets a case of the galloping insecurities whenever someone says something to her like, “I’m so glad you stopped wearing baggy clothes” or “I’m not sure if it’s because of the way you make it, but turkey doesn’t seem to agree with me anymore.”)


  1. Monica said,

    November 16, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Dear fmibtm,
    I recently took part in a gifted kids and friendships seminar and have a few nuggets of information which may help. A girl’s mom in the seminar had a similar conflict with a friend and a professional in the field suggested that she talk to her friend by first stating the facts, her feelings, and how to improve the friendship. Most kids who are gifted tend to be more sensitive and have more of a sense of what is right and wrong compared to the average kid. I was one of those kids and I can tell you everything negative that a person said really hurt my feelings. The professional also said that preteen and teen girls friendships get quite complicated as they struggle to try on their social identity and social power. Hope this helps a little and know that you aren’t alone. Just talk to your friend and if that doesn’t work then I’d try to seek out kids who are more like yourself and that have similar interests.

    Take care,
    Mom of two boys

    • scheirmad said,

      November 19, 2009 at 10:49 am

      Thanks Mom of 2B! I will pass this along to Hayley. I have absolutely seen her heightened sense of right and wrong–she hones in on some things that other kids would just walk away from. I actually went ahead and talked to the one child’s mom about what was going on, and we both agreed that the girls are entering a new “I’m not your friend” phase that we didn’t understand when we were kids and we still don’t understand today. I’m just glad we’re all on the same page. Thanks for the encouragement, even if my reply is a couple days late!

  2. Lorraine said,

    November 17, 2009 at 8:26 am

    Try not to let other people play with your mind by listening to their gossip! That’s all it is you know…unless the other kids tell you the same thing themselves…it’s just gossip…and most gossip just isn’t true!!!! As a teacher I deal with this stuff all the time and most often when I’m following up the “She said that X said that I …” and ask X what they said/meant by what they’ve said they look at me with blank “I have no idea what you’re talking about looks on their faces”!! They are gobsmacked most of the time because they haven’t said anything at all or what they said was repeated wrongly. For example: Person X might have said “Wow that A is sooo lucky because she has great toys to play with.” and that gets repeated as “X says she only plays with A because she’s got great toys.” See how it changes. But, your mum is so right about girls being moody ….and sensitive too. (Boys will have a brawl and 15 minutes later they’re best friends again but girls like to
    S-T-R-E-T-C-H the whole process out.)
    I think you are a bit like my daughter who was so over the silly game playing with friendship when her friends who were about the same age, but not quite as mature or smart, were still into the gossip and games. She taught herself to laugh at some of it (but not in front of them) and to wait for them to catch her up in growing up.
    The hardest thing is that no matter how much good advice you get it still HURTS! You are in my prayers. xxx

  3. scheirmad said,

    November 19, 2009 at 10:53 am

    Thanks, Lorraine. I will pass this along to Hayley too. I like the point you make about gossip and mistranslation. That is good to keep in mind.

    It’s funny how maturity and seeming immaturity come in the same package. I wouldn’t say that Hayley is a gossip-er, but she hasn’t quite found a way to rise above it, laugh at it, etc.. I’m hoping that will be coming soon on the horizon.

    Thank you for your prayers, and for your willingness to play the role of counselor in our online therapy session! We miss you!

  4. Lorraine said,

    November 20, 2009 at 4:05 am

    We miss you all too!

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